About two weeks ago and some change, I found myself wretched to the point that I did not know what to do about my emotions and was even second guessing my career.
Vulnerability is a fucking bitch.
Sometimes you win some, most times you lose some. Well- I’ve been shredding for a while now. Can it stop? I think it’s all up to me at the end of the day. I’ve been doing the work. Trust me.
But, I’m still left with this question. Should your passions and emotions be stopped because there’s no room for them? Or are you just in the wrong room? How do you know?
I am sure you’ve heard stories of women being criticized for showing emotions in a podium- when they’re supposed to be these strong figures representing many.
What happened to me that day, had me question myself. My ability to speak and even confused me on whether I was comparing my experiences to that of a Black woman.
I know there is nothing to compare when it comes to my experience coming from Honduras and the experience of a young black woman raised in MN. Why should I compare it? But- that- that moment showed me what white supremacy does to women like me. It pushes my experiences to those that look like me, speak my language and make you compare and separate yourself from woman who are actually fighting the same fight. White supremacy separates you from what really is important.
I said “I do not feel comfortable with an armed off duty cop in the room”. Never did I intend to make it a me vs. we. I thought, ‘we should have a discussion over this’!!!.
What the fuck? We are going into a room to talk about public safety and there will be 4–5 cops with guns on them. Can you tell me how this is not upsetting or at least raises some eyebrows? Throughout my time at this fellowship, I learned to differentiate when I could talk vs. only listen. This time, I could not just listen.
Having guns in a room adds to people’s trauma?? Isn’t this something that should be address before bringing kids who are expected to share their experience with public safety with the room? Do you think this experiment will be skewed? Mm I think so.
Come on now.
I cried uncontrollably when I came home. Literally screaming at the top of my lungs- not knowing why or how I could understand my stance and direction even. Fuck, it was embarrassing to say the least. I think the whole block down on 28th and Dupont heard my cries.
Whatever, I got over it the next day. I got fired.
It’s gets better, I promise.
Yes. I Learned that even though I was questioning myself, I did the right thing.
Multiple people, the right people, told me that same thing. What was the point of being a ‘Changemaker’ when at the end of the day- pushing boundaries was too idealistic?
Again- talking about public safety and having guns in a room, do not go together. Periodt.
Think and dream big. Think of the best possible solution. I felt a sense of relief when Obama said that he was called too idealistic at the beginning of his political career on A Promised Land.
I enjoy staring at clouds – finding shapes and letting my creative side flow. Most of the times I see angles, godly figures and dragons. Any idea what it might mean?
I took a break to get my mind and head straight. Ready for what’s next.
Take care, live yourself a little extra today.
Love and peace 💖
